So, have you ever felt like you were on top of the world, and felt like nothing, nobody, could ever bring you down? Well I have! And it somebody and something brought me down. I went from being so big that I could touch the stars to being a microscopic particle.
See, when people look at me, they see a woman who could snap her fingers and things would just be handed to me. But in reality, I mean in my reality, I don't. I have worked very hard for everything! I juggle a job, house keeping, and finding time for my family and friends. But how I got shattered into a million pieces and hating myself and having to deal with depression, and self-esteem issues, well this is my story.
After I had graduated high school, I moved to Chino Valley, Arizona. A town that was A lot bigger than Seligman will ever dream to be. I was suppose to start college and work... Well! I did start work but I didn't start school. I started working at Wal-Mart in Prescott, Arizona, which wasn't far from Chino, and that is where I met my nightmare. (I am only calling him "nightmare" because I don't want to give out his name for privacy sake.)
Nightmare, wasn't your average Joe, but he did all the right things that got me to go out with him. I mean hell! Our first date was to a shooting range not far from his house. Like, when we got off at the same time, he would by me a rose every time, sweetest thing that any man has ever done for me. When he asked me for my number, he was sligh as could be. But anyways, he cooked me breakfast in bed the next day after our first date, yes I spent the night with him and yes we hoped on the good foot and did the nasty, and yes I regret it. But anyways, what I am trying to get at is, he was the "perfect gentleman" the first two months.
By the third month, he started testing the waters to see what I would allow him to get away with and what I wouldn't let him get away with. By this time I was already living with the man, stupid mistake I know. I remember one time driving with him to work. He had won me this stuff animal out of a claw machine with the stuffing and like little beads, it felt like, I'm driving down Williams Valley road going to work, doing 40/45 In a 35 mph zone, and he throws this thing at me as hard as he could in a short distance, and it hits me in the face, (I had warned him from the time we got together to that day never to hit me in the face) after it had hit me in the face, I grab it closing my fist around this animal, and start beating him in the face with my knuckles, keeping my eyes on the road and not swerving, (I know even to this day, it still amazes me), we laughed it off all the way to work, one for how quick I was to hit him back, 2. Was for not swerving the truck.
During the 8 months of being with my nasty little nightmare of mine, it felt like we never had enough money to buy any food, not even enough for dog food. I think I ate once a week from the time I moved in with him to when I started working overnights with my Candy (not her real name but once again, privacy thing) and our Sexy Ginger supervisor (once again privacy thing). Candy and Ginger Supervisor are my two best friends. Candy too was in the same boat I was in. Broken, mistreated, emotionally and mentally abused. But I was able to help her get out of that relationship (your welcome my little love birds), but one night, them two, plus Nightmare and I went to Denny's for lunch, we're sitting around talking enjoying ourselves, well trying to anyways, Candy pops off saying something along the lines "well That's because I'm beautiful" nightmare looks at her with so much disgust and say "no your not." I smiled and said "yeah that's because I am" he turned looked at me and said "no your not, your to fat" and I looked at my two best friends trying not to cry looking at ginger and noticed him being held back by candy, I looked at nightmare and said "you get the bill we gotta get back to work before are late". So the three of us, well we left him with the Bill as we walked through the parking lot back to Wal-Mart. And through out that night, my nightmare was there every time I turned around. Thank God my supervisor was my best friend and he is good friends with our over night manager because if it wasn't for them I would have been fired that night. Anyways Ginger walked up to me, said "if he keeps bothering you, just let me know and I'll have assistant manager bad ass (once again privacy reason) tell him to leave." And honestly I did have him do it, tell him to leave that is.
Every time I would put on make up, he would tell me, I looked better without it, and if I would go days without it, I looked better with make up on. Told me I dressed like an old lady. See it was the constant, "you need to change this" or "you need to change that". He would tell me I needed to lose weight, which brought my self-esteem way down. When I moved back to Seligman with my mom and dad, I worked back at my old store. I met a guy that became my best friend. We shall call him Bear. It took me a year to hug him, and it took a complement everyday to believe everything he would say to me. I couldn't even trust both my dad's and it hurt me.
The depression came from the mental and emotional abuse. Never happy. Never satisfied. Always having to constantly fight to survive. But with how everything went down, and me actually getting out of it, I've grown into a much better person.
I realize now. Instead of jumping into things, to step back and address the situation first.
